Last week was pretty miserable. A storm starting brewing, which brought in high pressure and humidity. I have to admitI’d gotten pretty used to how I was feeling and breathing. Then all of a sudden it was as if I was back to square one. Just imagine the tightest rubber bands you can. Then put hundreds of them around your lungs. And now that you might imagine how hard it would be to breath (and therefore function) imagine going days and days like that. Yeah…it sucked and it is very tiring…in ways that make the smallest tasks seem nearly insurmountable.
What’s the upside of last week? No fever, no cough, no additional desaturation of oxygen. I was able to hope that it was all going to be temporary and had many good and solid objective reasons to believe that would be true.
The downside (besides the obvious inability to breath) is that it is nearly impossible for me not to have my heart and mind wander to the land of “what ifs.” What if this is something worse, what if this leads to more permanent damage, what if this is what it will eventually feel like forever… even if that is years away. And even if those thoughts only take up a few moments of my day they are the kind of thoughts that I never contended with before.
Having my scariest symptoms return…even for a relatively brief time period, just reminds me that no matter how good people think I look, no matter how well my test results come out, no matter what progress I have made, the threat of this disease and its power to take me down is always lurking. Sometimes it is further below the surface and sometimes it rears its ugly head, but either way it is here to stay. And that is something I’m still not sure I can comprehend. And as the meme says….it is boring and it is a complete inconvenience to my life!
Although the fact that we no longer have an assistant made this more difficult, it was nice to see that the back-up plans that I put in place did work. The preschool took both my kids full days for a couple days. My cleaning person came in twice in one week. My husband picked up some of the kid/house duties that might normally fall to me over the weekend.
So even though it was scary, the world did not collapse around us. For that I am grateful. And even more grateful that, as a good friend and fellow ASSer said to me, “this is a new week”, and a good week it’s been so far.