I pose the title as a question because I really don’t yet know the answer. Maybe it just comes in time? Maybe there is some kind of exercise, counseling session, mindfulness meditation (medication?) . . . whatever I can do or level of acceptance I can achieve that will allow some emotional inner peace to co-exist with physical restrictions.
Today my breathing is worse. Today my chest is tight. Today I am oh so very fatigued, even though today I’ve done next to nothing. It seems to happen mostly on Thursdays and Sundays. Admittedly, I am very active (as much as I can be) Monday-Wednesday and then again on Friday and Saturday. So, I can see a pattern emerging now that says I seem to have built-in recovery days where I am forced against all desire to lie around and do next to nothing.
However, it is made worse by the emotional toll it takes on me. It is hard not to project to a multitude of “what ifs” and just general disappointment that I can’t do it all. Not to mention that I should be made to feel like this is just some “normal” price I have to pay for simply trying to live a normal-ish life. And then I start getting pissed off that I am now in a position to even have a “woe is me” kind of attitude. To be honest, it embarrasses me because I pride myself on the ability to fight against such attitudes even when warranted.
And the real problem isn’t having an emotional reaction to a physical issue once or twice a week. And if I thought that I would only have to deal with a physical issue a couple times a week from here on out, I might even be able to give myself a pass on this one bump in the road. But I’m quite certain a day will come when I’m going to have more than just a little increase in my shortness of breath – a day when my chest feels worse than just tight – a day when my fatigue may even overwhelm me – a day that actually last much longer than a single one – a day that takes an even greater toll on my loved ones. It is for that time that I feel the need to prepare.
So in doing so, I try to remind myself that I can and do get through my rough days 100% of the time and that they aren’t so bad, after all, in the grand scheme of things, and “this too shall pass.” And it would pass in a far more pleasant way if I could just figure out how to lighten my heart just a bit.